


Take me as I am

by Catching_sunrays



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Davenzi, Fluff and Angst, M/M, References to Depression, Talking, The Beginning of Something Beautiful, Transgender, suicide attempt will be mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 07:19:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18615835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catching_sunrays/pseuds/Catching_sunrays
Summary: Matteo and David are finally back together. Matteo can hardly believe his luck, but David withdraws again. There is something he has to tell him.





	Take me as I am

**Author's Note:**

> I am aware that this is a sensitive topic. I'm not transgender myself and my story is not intended to hurt or attack or insult anyone. However, if this is the case (and I don't speak to transphobic people), contact me and show me my mistake so that I can correct it and learn from it.

It was now well after midnight. The two boys lay on Matteo's bed, everything around them was quiet, only occasionally you could hear a car honking outside. David was there. Matteo still couldn't believe that the advice of his friends had really helped. Everyone had played their part and now he was finally back at his place.

Matteo had put his arms around David and held him firmly in them. He did not want to lose him again. David's calm and even breathing was soothing. Matteo snuggled up even tighter, pulled him slightly with his arms towards him and buried his head at his neck. "If you press harder, you'll suffocate me," giggled David, trying to free himself from the embrace and turn to Matteo, who reluctantly loosened his embrace, but the look David threw at him compensated for the resulting distance.

Matteo's lips were still pulsing from kissing for hours. He never thought that kissing could be so much fun, that it could be addictive. He could kiss David all night and all day long and he knew he would never get bored. With a smile he leant closer to him, gave him a stub on his nose before his gaze slid back to his lips. A smile fell on David's lips, which had not escaped Matteo's gaze. He leaned forward and closed the distance between them to sink again in a soft kiss. The initially light and cautious kiss became more. More desire, more closeness was demanded and David reached into Matteo's neck, pulled him closer to himself. Matteo's hand slipped along his back, causing a pleasant shiver on David. For a brief moment, his worries and problems had been wiped out. They enjoyed exploring each other's bodies. He enjoyed it until Matteo's hand arrived at the seam of his shirt and he cautiously and somewhat unsteadily drove his fingertips over David's bare skin. David would have offered everything if he could have given himself to the moment. Instead, his fears had reawakened in his head. Without releasing the kiss, he loosened his hand from the fluffy mop of hair and pulled Matteo's hand back over the shirt into safe realms, halfway safe anyway.

Matteo, undecided what he should do, slid his hand back to David's neck, drove his fingertips into the curls and clenched slightly into them. But he couldn't stand it for long. He wanted more than just to lie and kiss. For too long he had longed to hold David in his arms again, to kiss him, to absorb his smell again. He wanted to be close to him, closer than he had ever been to anyone before.

Lust made him lose all inhibitions. With Sara he had blocked any attempts to create intimacy, with David he longed for him to touch him. Carefully, Matteo took David's hand, which until then had barely left its place in his hair, and placed it on his waist, giving him a sign that this was something he wanted.

David pulled his hand away, withdrew from the kiss and straightened himself up. Alarmed and confused, Matteo looked up at him. He asked, worried, "Did I do something wrong?" while he laid one hand on David's leg and supported himself from the bed with his other arm. "No...yes...I don't know," stammered David, "I can't, Matteo." "What can't you do? What is going on? I thought you wanted this too,” Matteo sounded hurt and David couldn't blame him. What was he thinking about coming here? He should have known better. But he had thrown all his concerns overboard when he had read Matteo's message. He wanted to be with him, but before that he had to make a clean sweep with him.

"I want that too," he whispered, avoiding the questioning look on Matteo's face. "Where is the problem then?" Matteo didn't sound angry, that was a good sign, but impatience resonated in his tone. "You won't understand...and when I explain it to you, you certainly don't want anything to do with me anymore," David felt like crying. He hadn't imagined the conversation like that, but something rarely happened as he had planned it. And he had had this conversation before and it had turned out exactly as he had feared. He was left, misunderstood and hurt.

He could no longer bear it in bed. The gentle stroking of Matteo, an actually calming gesture, drove him crazy, he couldn't think clearly. With one swing he got up from the bed and began to walk through the room, hands kneading.

"David..." Matteo was insecure. What had happened? A moment ago he had been so incredibly happy and suddenly the oppressive feeling of the last days had returned, "Please talk to me. You can't know whether I understand it or not, but I know I won't leave you no matter what it is." His thoughts made him dizzy. What could there be that was so horrible that David wouldn't tell him? Had he really killed his parents? Matteo immediately pushed that thought back into the ridiculous category, but he had no other idea what else made David behave like that. David hesitated, looked around the room and decided to sit on Matteo's chair. Putting his hands between his legs to calm himself down and taking a deep breath.

"I'll tell you a story. If at the end of the story you want me to go, then I understand," he had to gather, took a deep breath again. Soon the moment would come he was most afraid of. The moment when he would look at Matteo and his blue eyes would no longer meet him with affection but with disgust. He had experienced it before and prepared himself for the broken heart that would follow.

"Once upon a time there was a little boy, still very young, who noticed that something was different with him. He didn't feel right. At first he did not understand this feeling properly. He wanted to wear trousers like the other boys rather than dresses or skirts or braids like the girls. The parents did not understand that. They had such a cute little girl, everyone should see that. The little boy became more and more unhappy. He should play with dolls, like his sister did, and outside it should be good not to get dirty all the time and stop fighting with the other boys. When the little boy came to school, the situation got even worse." David looked briefly at Matteo to make sure he was still there, that he could follow him before he looked at his hands again and continued. Matteo had sat down on the edge of the bed and listened.

"The boys he used to play with turned their backs on him. They no longer wanted to play with him. The little boy became sad. The mother encouraged him to simply play with the girls. It was normal that boys and girls would not play together at that age. That would change again. But also the classmates did not want to play with the little boy. 'She's weird' and 'She always behaves like a boy, we don't want to play with her' were just a few examples of the sayings the little boy had to hear.

He didn't belong to the girls. He could feel that. He didn't even want to belong to them. He wanted to belong to the boys, he wanted to play the games they played, he wanted to learn to pee standing up, he just wanted to be part of them. But that was denied to the little boy. Instead, he didn't belong anywhere. In the third grade a new student transfered to their class. The little boy made friends with her, lets call her Veronika. Veronika had no problem with the wild nature of the little boy, played the games the little boy wanted to play, in return the little boy also played with Barbies. He didn't want to lose Veronika. He was finally happy to have someone else except his sister.

One weekend the little boy spent the night at Veronika's. He told her that he wanted to look like the other boys and Veronika helped him to change. He secretly stole a pair of scissors from the bathroom and cut the little boy's hair off. The next morning Veronika's parents discovered the disaster and called the little boy's parents to pick him up. The parents were not happy when they saw their son.

They scolded him and told him not to stay at Veronika's again. Also he shouldn't play with her in the future. They said she was a bad company for him. The next day at school Veronika told him that her parents had talked to her and told her that the little boy was sick and that she should not play with him anymore. The little boy became very sad and was alone again.

Since he hardly had anyone who wanted to play with him, he read a lot. He started to be interested in art and to portray his fears and feelings. He then dived into another world. But he refused to let his hair grow again. Whenever he asked the parents to go to the hairdresser to have his hair cut again, the parents said that he looked so much more beautiful with long hair and so he regularly cut it himself. Then he had to go to the hairdresser so that his hairstyle didn't look too bad. He also refused to wear dresses or skirts. His parents bought him a suit for a relative's wedding. They were afraid of what the strangers might say, but before the little boy went to the wedding dressed only in underwear, they complied with his wish.

Soon it was time to change to secondary school. The little boy hoped that things would get better there, that he would make new friends there. And he did. He made friends with a boy, lets call him Anton, who became his best friend. He could talk to Anton about anything and he understood him, was there for him and the little boy was happy for the first time in a long time. Until the teasing started. The other pupils made fun of them. They said they were a gay couple, because he looked like a boy and acted like a boy. In the beginning Anton also defended him. He said he didn't mind others talking about him, but with time the relationship began to crumble. They went to different classes because Anton wanted to do Latin, but he wanted to do French. Anton had less and less time for them. In the breaks, he apologized to the little boy and went smoking secretly with the other boys.

The little boy was alone again. Without the protection of Anton, he was at the mercy of the mobbing of the others and at some point the pain was so great that he became deaf. He didn't know what he had done wrong, looked for the mistakes in himself. His chest also began to grow and he didn't know how to stop it. He began to buy binders to tie them off. The parents didn't notice the changes and were blind to their son's misfortune. Instead they reproached the son because his grades were getting worse and worse. They were ashamed of him. The little boy was at a point where things couldn't go any further. So he tried to end the life that was not a life for him. However, his sister found him in time and called the ambulance.

After that, the little boy had to talk to a lot of doctors. He stayed in a clinic for quite a while where he finally found someone to talk to, who understood him and didn’t judge him for wanting to be like the other boys. His parents hardly visited him, but his sister came almost every weekend when visits were allowed. The little boy was given medication to help him cope with depression and medication to stop his chest from growing. Instead, after some time he noticed that he was changing as well. His voice became a little deeper and a small peach fuzz began to form on his face. The little boy was overjoyed.

When the time came for him to leave the clinic, he didn’t want to go back to his parents who hadn’t cared much about him all that time. The clinic helped him find a place in a sheltered apartment. There he was with other teenagers who all had a crappy time behind them. He felt comfortable there. And he found friends. He decided for himself that he wanted to be called David.”

David took a break, still avoiding to look at Matteo. The memories hurt and made him angry, as always. "I have been in treatment and finally on hormone therapy since I was sixteen. A year ago I filed an application to have my first name and gender changed in court. It was a long process, I had to explain why I wanted to do that and had to undergo an examination and that is really no fun. When I finally held my new papers in my hand, I cried for hours of happiness. So it was official, finally. Afterwards I moved to my sister. My parents continue to pay for everything, my treatment and my livelihood, a kind of reparation after everything they did to me and what happened to me. I have no more contact to them. So I didn't kill them, but for me they are as good as dead," he finally looked up.

Matteo was still sitting on the edge of the bed looking at him in silence. His face was frozen. Nothing could be read from it. How often David had already felt this look. In most cases he didn't care, but with Matteo...

He felt tears slowly forming in his eyes and stood up. He didn’t want to cry in front of Matteo, didn’t want to give himself this bareness. Matteo followed him with his look, “Where are you going?,” his voice sounded scratchy and he had to clear his throat. “I go. I’ve been through this before and I didn’t go back there. It almost destroyed me. I finally accepted who I am. It took me a long way to get there. I like you Matteo, a lot. I just save us both the next step that will inevitably come. You will say that you cannot deal with it, I will be understanding and my sister can pick up the broken pieces at home.” He turned away, no longer master of his emotions and he felt the first tears running down his cheek. With one hand he was already at the door handle, about to squeeze, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. 

“Wait…please.” Matteo whispered behind him. “What for? I know how it goes from here, what you think. I am trans Matteo, can you deal with that?”. Hopelessness spread in him in waves and he shook Matteo’s hand off. “You don’t know anything. You told me your story, but you don’t give me the choice to decide whether I want you to go or not.” Matteo’s voice was firm and something in her let David’s hand slide off the handle and wait. 

"Until a few weeks ago, I thought I was in love with my best friend. I was so afraid that others would realize that I like men, that I was looking for a girlfriend who I really hurt with my behaviour, my fear of what others might think about me. And then I met you. It was like a hammer blow to the face when I first saw you on the school floor and I knew I was screwed," Matteo had to laugh softly at the thought, "You made me feel like myself for the first time. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself. I've spent the last few weeks getting high because it's made the whole thing more bearable. I missed you. I didn't understand why you didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore," those words gave David goose bumps. He had caused Matteo to feel like shit, he was again the reason someone else had to suffer, "but at some point I started talking about it. I was afraid that my friends wouldn't understand or want nothing to do with me anymore because I'm gay. But the fear was unfounded. They neither gave me up nor made stupid remarks. They accepted me as I am. I like you David, very much indeed. Can't you also give me the chance to show you that I like you as you are, accept you as you are? Because I think you are wonderful, friendly, adventurous, sometimes a little competitive...and beautiful," Matteo hesitantly put his hand back on David's shoulder.

David couldn't say anything. Mourning, relief, fear, everything was tightening his throat, he could only shake his head, but stayed still. He felt Matteo approaching, his neck hairs standing up as he felt Matteo's breath on his skin. "Don't you want to turn to me? I would like to hold you in my arms." The tears wouldn't stop, but Matteo's voice moved David. Slowly he turned around and Matteo embraced him. "I don't want you to go, you listen? I want you to stay with me," he whispered into his ear and David finally breathed out. It was as if he had been holding his breath ever since he finished his story. He wrapped his arms around Matteo and buried his head on his shoulder, sucking in the familiar smell. Matteo released himself a little from the embrace and grasped David with one hand under his chin to lift his head so that he finally had to look him in the face. And David looked up. There was so much warmth and affection that shone through these blue eyes, making it impossible for him to stop the flow of tears. "May I kiss you?" Matteo's voice was quiet and David noticed how insecure he was, "we don't have to if you don't want to. We can just lie down and we don't have to cuddle if you don't like, we can just lie next to each other, that would be enough for me. I don't want to do anything you don't want or feel uncomfortable with," his voice became quieter and quieter, but his gaze continued to be fixed on him and still full of affection, honest affection, something David had rarely seen.

"I think lying down is a good idea," a timid smile appeared on his lips. He had to look disastrous, completely howled. "Ok, then we lie down," and Matteo disengaged the hug and led David by the hand to the bed. He lay down first, leaving it to David to decide how much closeness he would allow. David lay down next to him, hesitantly reaching for his hand. It felt warm and soft and familiar. He turned to his side and slid closer to Matteo. He shyly placed his head on Matteo's shoulder and Matteo put his arm around him and began to gently stroke his arm.

They lay there for quite a while, Matteo didn't get tired of driving over David's arm and sometimes stroking his head a little more courageously. A new feeling slowly developed in David. In the beginning he couldn't interpret it properly, but at some point it became clear to him. It was a rare feeling for him, a sense of security as he lay in Matteo's arm, whose chest he watched as it rose and fell while enjoying the gentle tickle on his arm.

"I think I'm ready for a kiss now," David whispered softly into the fabric of Matteo's T-shirt. "Sure?" Matteo asked. It was an honest question, mindful that it was really something David wanted. "Yes, definitely," a smile spread on his lips as he turned his head in Matteo's direction.

Matteo smiled back at him. For a while they looked at each other and Matteo drove his fingertips over his cheek, over his eyebrows, he traced every spot on his face with his fingers and David closed his eyes, felt every touch until his whole face was filled with a pleasant burning sensation. He slid a little higher and Matteo approached him to receive him in an infinitely tender kiss. A kiss that was more than just a kiss. A kiss that told him that everything he had recently revealed was safe, that he was safe. David melted into the kiss. For the first time in a long time the feeling sprouted in him that there was someone who would not leave him.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the tumblr-prompt "Can I kiss you or not? | I'm not really sure right now of what you want | Are you still mad at me?".
> 
> Thank you for reading ♥
> 
> If you like to talk to me or send me another prompt from [this list](https://wanderlust-in-my-soul.tumblr.com/tagged/mywork) you can find me [here](https://wanderlust-in-my-soul.tumblr.com/).


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